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Rabbi Frank Varon's Message
"I'm Sorry" Just Doesn't Cut It
By Rabbi Frank Varon
"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal
to him his own”. Benjamin Disraeli, British politician (1804 - 1881)
Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur are just days away. Jewish people the world over are mentally and
physically preparing for the holiday season commonly known in American parlance as the High Holy
Days. Most synagogues enjoy the largest crowds of the year as worshippers gather in their holiday
best, donned in the latest styles from Madison Avenue for the fashion conscious, and equipped with
the latest Judaica publications in hand for the religiously inclined.
So it has been ever since I can recall in our humble community as well. Each year, with much
gratitude to the Almighty, we gather in great numbers to pray, observe, socialize, and interact
with our coreligionists. For the seasoned worshipper, the intensity of the holidays begins to
congeal towards the end of August and at the start of September when the Selihot services are
announced with a crack of dawn tee time. All memories of the free-wheeling summer days seem
to take a back seat to the daunting and serious events soon to be upon us.
As the mood grows more solemn the closer we approach the "Days of Awe", our behavior gradually
transitions to a more deliberate, pensive nature. We go out of our way to make sure we are kind
and considerate, forgiving and forgiven among our peers. It's unheard of to usher in the holiday
to pray for God's forgiveness of our wrongdoings, if there remains unrest between ourselves and
a friend, for example. It's not uncommon to observe Jews during this time of year approaching each
other and asking for forgiveness for any act of commission or omission against them.
It all sounds pretty noble, right? Perhaps. However, if we zoom in a little closer to the customary
routine of these times, one might reveal a little different perspective. Please don't misunderstand
me, as the events described above are, indeed, noble acts in and of themselves and should most
definitely be engaged. However, absent the selfless intent and true human element of loving kindness,
they are merely incantations designed to temporarily clear one's conscience and put one’s mind at
ease. If so, it's a grand illusion destined to repeat itself over and over again. That is, by deceiving
ourselves by going through the prescribed motions of asking forgiveness from others, or even from God,
and knowing full well that these pleas are not meant to stick – a return to the ways of old is inevitable.
A person must really employ integrity to know if what they're saying and doing is just a form of lip
service, or if it's a true effort to change, to transform, and really alter inner motives. When Yom Kippur
has concluded, do we return to our previous ways with the blink of an eye?
Repentance is about something very profound and personally deep – the painful uncovering of our own internal
adversaries and devices – of which only we are aware and can control. Sure it's simple and comforting to
go through the motions, to sit in synagogue with a feeling of contentment that we’ve done everything
we need to be "fit" and "appropriate" before pleading with God. However, we will have missed the mark
if we neglect to internalize the critical ingredient of "personal integrity" as we embark on approaching
the days of Rosh HaShana and Yom Kippur.
"The greatest good you can do for another is not just share your riches, but to reveal to him
his own.”
The above quote by Benjamin Disraeli dovetails with an integral component of Yom Kippur. Though Disraeli
isn't referring to Yom Kippur or repentance, he is talking about the values we need to have in order to
be truthful to ourselves – which are critical components to achieving an honest and enduring Teshuva, or
repentance. (Incidentally, Disraeli's quote is similar in spirit with the rabbinic concept that one of
the greatest forms of charity one can provide is ensuring that someone is able to provide for himself
without the help of others.)
You see, we must search deep within our souls to help another overcome a deficiency - to the extent that
if our efforts are successful, the receiver would no longer need our assistance in the future. It's
providing another with wings to fly. This may mean having to reveal a personal "treasure" you never
would have wished to disclose – perhaps it's something that gives us the "edge" socially, intellectually,
or economically. Conventional wisdom and social mores tell us to keep these close to the vest for fear
if divulged they will diminish our status or social ranking. Realizing such and overcoming that inclination
is a form of Teshuva. And it's a form of repentance that requires such deep introspection and personal
pain, no incantation, nor utterance to appease our mind will accomplish the same.
So, before we engage in the usual High Holy Day rhetoric with one another and disillusion ourselves into
thinking we’ve mastered the formula for decoding Yom Kippur, perhaps we should stop and think that there's
more to Teshuva than just resolving to be "good", that there's definitely more to repentance than just
saying you're sorry.
May each of us, together with our families, be blessed with a year of health and prosperity, blessings
in our homes, peace in our beautiful country, and of course, peace in the Land of Israel, and peace the
world over. May we all enjoy enriching and fulfilling holidays, together with all those who are dear to
us, this year and for many years to come.
On behalf of my wife, Rena and our family, Tizku LeShanim Rabboth, uMo'adim leSimha.
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