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A Guide To Knowledgeable Conduct
Knowledge is power - it also avoids embarrassment. We hope to offer some helpful hints as to how the educated
people do it in Kal.
Click the lines below to link to various Kal Conducts on this page:
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I have great news for you! A great opportunity is at hand, a chance for our Kahal to
participate in and be part of something truly glorious... something that yields great
rewards and constitutes an excellent investment for our future, and it won't even cost
you any money! Think of it as an investment in a health related stock more profoundly
important than anything currently listed on the Nasdaq or the Fortune 500, something
that provides for our children, our grandchildren, and our community... a real beauty,
a generally neglected and undervalued stock, a gem of an investment that hasn't been
given the attention it deserves, just waiting for a bargain hunter like you to come
and scoop it up!
Of what do I speak? I speak of Tefilah Betzibur, praying with a minyan! Like a
health-related stock, its fortunes tell us how our community is really doing. Because,
we can have a growing membership, we can have events, we can have activities, we can
have this and we can have that, and they are all important, but if we don't have a strong
minyan with good attendance three times a day, we don't have anything. What our future
holds for us is written large in the number of people we have joining us for our daily
prayers.
Of late we have had some difficulty in securing a minyan, both in the morning and in the
evening, and especially when we try to have minha in the afternoon. The value of "our
corporate stock", or kahal, rises and falls depending on this one thing, because
it is the one thing we can all do together on a daily basis and it represents the single
most profound daily affirmation of our membership in our community.
Don't wait until you need to come for a meldatho and take it for granted that you will
find a minyan there. Be one of those who is part of the daily minyan.
Praying with a minyan is the ultimate secure investment, filled with hidden value,
guaranteed to out-perform all other investments if you take an active part in its "daily
management" by coming to tefilah with a minyan.
By standing before G-d as a community, united as one voice, we send a powerful message
to ourselves, our family and especially our children about responsibility, dedication,
commitment and loyalty. And, we feel better about ourselves, our relationship with the
Almighty, the example we are setting for our children and how we look in their eyes. We
guarantee our future as a community, because our children see our example, rise to our
challenge, follow in our footsteps, and perpetuate our example as they come of age. By
investing in Tefilah Betzibur now, we buy stock in our long-term future. Indeed,
praying with a minyan is the best communal investment portfolio we can possibly buy into.
The Rambam, Maimonides, of Blessed Memory, writes that G-d is more likely to favorably
receive prayers offered on behalf of a community when they are offered by a minyan. The
man who comes to a minyan and the woman who makes it possible for him to do so
fulfill one of the principal, indeed, most central of Jewish responsibilities. It is an
awesome mitzvah performed selflessly on behalf of the Kahal to represent us before
G-d, every day, and it yields the greatest dividend of all; a healthy community exhibiting
the greatest vitality and strength.
For those of us who are retired now, especially those of us who safeguarded this great
nation in times of peril, minyan represents a unique opportunity to rise yet
again to the defense of something great and noble. Because, if you come to minyan,
you are helping anchor our Kahal and make sure that our petitions are heard before the Almighty. You are sending a message to your children and grandchildren about who we
are and where they, in turn, need to be.
Do not pass up the opportunity to buy this stock, my friends! Praying with a minyan is the
ultimate secure investment, filled with hidden value, guaranteed to outperform all other
investments if you take an active part in its "daily management" by coming to tefilah with
a minyan.
And you can begin by "buying small". Start coming one morning a week, or for Minha or
Arvith once a week. Work your way up to twice a week.
Start out nice and easy by maybe coming every Monday or Thursday morning when we take out
the Sefer Torah, and if you feel comfortable we'll call you up to the Torah for
a reading. If you already come intermittently, come join us a little more
often. Come every Shabbath instead of just every other. Or, if you're ready, jump in with
both feet and join us every morning. We would love to have you.
So go ahead, what's stopping you? Take the step. Make the commitment. Make the investment.
Pick up the "phone" (minyan), call the "Ultimate Investment Broker", (G-d) Who really
controls our personal and communal investment portfolios, and buy stock in the future of
our selves, our children and our community. We have an investment meeting three times a
day, seven days a week. Join us any time. We're saving you a seat.
There are certain minimum requirements for the proper wearing by men of a tallet. Beyond the
minimums there are certain customs which might differ from community to community. Most of
what follows are not the customs but the minimum requirements.
The Sephardic custom is to have all men wear a tallet during prayer. It begins with training
young males starting at the age of six (provided they have suitable appreciation about what
they are doing). It must be donned while standing and immediately after saying the proper
blessing. The blessing includes the word "lehitatef". This has been variously
translated as "to cover" or "to wrap". Therefore, the tallet itself must be large enough to
cover the person's entire back so that the person feels "wrapped". When first putting it on
at least) it should cover the person's head (not face), as if it were an Arab headdress. The
way it should be worn is in such a manner that two of the fringes (tsistit) should be draped
in front of the person and two in back of the person. There are various styles for wearing it
that accomplishes this requirement. It should not be worn as a scarf just around a person's
neck. This is considered to be a serious matter of improperly using G-d's name in a blessing
because a tallet worn in this manner is neither "covering" nor "wrapping".
If a person takes off the tallet temporarily (such as to go to the bathroom) with the intention
of immediately putting it back on, no repeat blessing should be made. The tallet and its fringes
(tsistit) should be treated respectfully. For example, it should not be allowed to drag on the
floor.
On Shabbath we are not supposed to do things which prepare for the rest of the week. Therefore,
many do not fold their tallet after morning services because it will not be used again that
day and the only purpose to folding it is to store it away for later use.
Sources: Kaf Ha Haim 8-9; Shulchan Aruch 22; Yalkut Yosef 17:5; Ben Ish Hai Beresit 5
"To Pray" means to recite the Amidah [meaning the "standing"]. This prayer was established
almost 2600 years ago. It consisted originally of 18 [Shemoneh Esre in Hebrew] benedictions.
A 19th was added in the 1st century of the Common Era because the turmoil of those times
resulted in many heretics and divisive movements that needed to be condemned. How we stand
and move during prayer is carefully choreographed.
The approach: One should step forward 3 small steps as if entering an audience
with a king.
Posture: One should stand with feet together side by side, with eyes set
downward in humility as like a servant standing before the master, in awe. Hands should be
holding the prayer book and if not should not be in a casual position such as on one's hips
or in one's pockets
Place: For peace of mind, one should establish a fixed place from which to
pray. This is why we are somewhat possessive of our seats in kal.
Voice: One should not raise one's voice during the Amidah, nor should a person be totally silent. The words of the Amidah should each be articulated with one's lips in a
whispered tone audible only to one's self.
Bowing: There are 5 bows during the Amidah. Once at the start of the 1st
blessing and once at its end. The 3rd is at the beginning of the second to the last blessing
of thanks(modim) and once at its end. The bowing is upon uttering 'baruch' and we straighten
upon reciting G-d's name.
5th Bow and withdrawal: Upon completing the Amidah one should bow for the 5th
time while backing up 3 small steps, left foot 1st. On the 1st step one should incline the bow
to the left, and then to the right on the 2nd step and then raise one's head on the 3rd step
back. Why to the left 1st? Because one should feel as if the King were standing in front and
so one should bow to the King's right first.
How to bow: The preferred bow is to bend until one's back is curved like a
bow so that the bow is not just cursory but is noticeable.
Source: Mishneh Torah - Laws of Prayer 5:4,9-12
Whenever a person sees a Torah scroll being carried, he must stand before it. This is always
true while it is moving but it is permissible to sit if the person holding it is standing still or until the scroll can no longer be seen. It is a mitzvah to designate a special place for
the Torah scroll, the Ark, and to honor and glorify that place in an extravagant manner.
A knowledgeable person does not ever turn his back to the Torah scroll unless it is ten
handbreadth (approximately two and a half feet). This is the reason that a person should,
when backing away from the Ark (especially when it is open) carefully step backward until one
is a good distance away. It is also the reason why, in some synagogues, the Rabbi's podium is
placed at an angle or to one side.
In short, a proper Torah scroll (one with no errors or defects) should be
treated with great sanctity and given great honor. For this reason is customary
for at least some of the people to follow the scroll as it moves around
the congregation.
Sources: Mishneh Torah Laws of the Sefer Torah 10:2, 9, 10; Orach Chayim 149:1
There are different customs relating to when one stands during the Torah reading
in synagogue. Many have the custom of standing during certain portions of the readings
such as the two times that the ten commandments are read. Among the Sephardim, we
do not single out any portion of the Torah reading for standing. However, when the
ten commandments are read, we usually call one of our Rabbis and, in respect to the
Rabbi, we stand. The Sephardic custom is grounded in sound reasoning. Maimonides
(Rambam) propounded 13 fundamental principles that dictated whether a person is
entitled to be considered a Jewish person in good standing. The eighth fundamental
principle is that the Torah that is found in our hands today is from heaven as exactly
conveyed to Moses, who acted as a scribe taking dictation. All parts of the Torah,
every word, are of divine origin and all belong to God and is therefore perfect, pure,
holy and true.
Because each word of the Torah is equally holy, it is considered disrespectful to
pick and choose particular portions which are going to receive more honor. To do
so is in violation of Rambam's eighth principle. This is not to say that each part
of the Torah has more relevance or seems to be more important than others and even
our sages have highlighted certain verses, such as the ten commandments. However,
sanctity is due to the fact that these words are a direct revelation from God while
"importance" or "significance" is due to our attaching philosophic and religious
meaning to the words. In other words, all the verses are of equal greatness and
entitled to equal respect but some have more importance and relevance to us.
Since violation any of the 13 principles has potential serious ramifications,
Sephardim don't take chances by violating it.
SBH has not historically had an abundance of eligible Cohanim (priests)
and so we do not have a lot of experience in what to do during the priestly
blessing and why certain things happen the way they do. Towards the end
of the Shabbat amidah, right before the last blessing of "grant peace
[sim shalom]" and after we have just expressed appreciation for
G-d's great name and for His salvation and help, the Cohanim are called
to the front of the congregation in front of the ark to bless us. Since
this was a direct commandment to the Cohanim (one of the 613), we know
that the blessing is effective and must be treated with the utmost seriousness
both by the Cohanim and the congregation. According to the Talmud (Chullin
49a) it is actually G-d doing the blessing using the priest as a conduit.
In fact, the sentence we say out loud together as a congregation ending
with "v'ani avar'chem". This means "it is I who will bless
them." This is G-d's words when He gave the command to do the blessing
to the Cohanim as found in the Torah at Numbers 2:27.
The Cohanim approach the front of the ark and at the appropriate time raise
their arms, spread their fingers while covered by a tallet, and word by
word bless us by repeating the words suggested by the hazzan.
Why do the rabbis and officers leave the platform before the blessing? Because
the law is that only those people to the front of the Cohanim or to their
sides receive the benefit.
The congregation has several duties. They must respond "amen" when each
blessing is completely concluded and the voices of the Cohanim have stopped.
The hazzan does not say "amen" because we fear he might get confused
and lose his place. The congregation is forbidden to look on the Cohanim as they
are giving their blessing or to divert attention. Absolute silence is required.
We should stand directly facing the Cohanim and not slouch or stand sideways
or in any other way then completely facing them. Our faces should be towards
the ground as if we were praying.
In many Sephardic congregations it is the custom for the eldest male in a family
to use his tallet to cover the heads of his sons and grandsons so as to help
prevent them from inadvertently gazing on the Cohanim while they are blessing.
This also calls to mind the blessing that a father gives his children each Friday
night.
The last blessing of the Cohanim is for peace which is a perfect lead-in for
the last paragraph of the congregational amidah asking G-d to give us
peace.
Source: Mishneh Torah Laws of Priestly Blessings 14:3-7
Books or scrolls with any of G-d's names written in them in Hebrew almost always
have a degree of sanctity. Hence, as a sign of respect when we accidentally drop a
prayer book or a chumash, the custom is to promptly pick it up and kiss it. They
should be treated with great respect at all times. When they are put in the holders
in the back of the pews they should not be put in upside-down or backwards. The
front should always be displayed. When these holy books are stacked they have a
certain priority. A chumash should never be placed on a Torah scroll. Books
containing the prophets or sacred writings (Nach) should not cover a chumash.
A prayer book should not be placed on top of chumash.
All sacred writings should never be thrown nor should they be carried into a
lavatory.
Source: Mishneh Torah Laws of the Sefer Torah 10:5
There are differing opinions on how the congregation should respond to the hazzan when he says
barechu et hashem hamevorach. HaRav Yitshak Yosef (son of HaRav Ovadia Yosef) in his
sefer Yalkut Yosef, explains that it is preferable that the congregation not
bow when answering baruch hashem hamevorach le olam vaed. Even only bowing one's head,
he says, is not ideal.
What is wrong with bowing at barechu?
Our Sages have designated very specific places in the prayers (e.g. bowing during the Amidah)
where we should bow. Responding to barechu has not been found to be documented as one
of those places. To bow in places not designated for bowing is not allowed (Shulchan Aruch
: 281, 1). Much like we do not add to the laws of the Torah, we similarly do not add to
the decrees of our Sages. Additionally, bowing unnecessarily at places not specified by the
Sages lessens the significance of bowing altogether.
It should be noted that although many Sephardic rabbis do not encourage bowing in response to
barechu, there are some halachic authorities that permit this practice. One of the
reasons given for permitting it is that when King David led the congregation in blessing Hashem
in sefer Divrei Hayamim Alef (29,20), all of the people bowed while doing so. Another
reason commonly given is that in areas where custom conflicts with halacha (as in our
situation here), Israel's customs (e.g. bowing in response to barechu) sometimes are considered
on the same level.
Source: Minhag Yisrael Torah Hee
All adult Jews including men and women, are obligated to pray every
day except in exceptional circumstances. A person is forbidden to interrupt
his or her amidah (Shemoneh) prayer. This is stated so strongly that the
only exception is when the person's life is in danger. Rambam (Maimonides)
stated that even if an important person, such as the King of Israel, were
to greet the person during prayer, they should not answer him. In other
words, not only do we not interrupt our amidah but we do not interrupt
the amidah of others by talking or any other distractions.
Although the strictest rules are during the amidah itself, there are
restrictions during other parts of the service. One should not initiate
or respond to any greetings (except to a person to whom one owes honor or
of whom one is afraid), from "barechu" to the end of the amidah
in the morning services. The blessings between "barechu" and the
"shema" and those between the "shema" and the beginning
of the amidah are all considered part of a unit. It is also forbidden to
pause between the end of those blessing and the beginning of the amidah.
Even the saying of "amen" is limited during that block of
prayer.
Sources: Mishneh Torah Laws of Prayer 1:2; 6:9, 10; 7:17; Laws of Kri'at Shema 1:5, 6, 7; 2:15-17
Being called to the Torah should not be an occasion for confusion or nervousness.
Here are some hints on how to conduct yourself so that you look like a pro. First:
if you know you are going to be called, practice the blessings before and after
ahead of time. Do not fear: the blessings are both in Hebrew and in transliteration
to the right of the Torah Scroll. Do not bring your prayer book to the tevah.
There are two most common mistakes in pronunciation (for which you may be corrected).
The first word is bar-e-chu. It is not baruch. After you say the first line, the
synagogue will say out loud the second line. You then need to repeat what they said,
as shown above.
In the second blessing, the most common mistake is on the word "nata". It is
pronounced that way, and there is no "n" on the end of that
word.
The blessings must be said out loud, and not in a whisper nor in a very low voice. They
don't have to be shouted, but have to be just loud enough for the people in the first
row or two to be able to hear you.
When you are saying the blessings both before and after the Torah reading, look at the
card with the blessings on it and do not look at the Torah scroll. Even if you know
the blessings by heart, look away from the Torah scroll as you are making the blessings.
The idea is that it should not look like you are reading from the Torah scroll when
doing the blessings. When you are saying both blessings, you should at least hold onto
the right hand stave. It is really most correct to hold onto both of them. After the
first blessing, continue to hold onto the right hand stave. On the upright scroll,
hold the right side of the box and continue to hold the right stave during the Torah
reading.
Many people use their tsitsit to touch the place indicated by the hazzan both at the
beginning of the reading and at the end. The minimum is to look at where he is and try
to follow as best you can his reading. Do not look around but try to follow the
reading.
If you follow these simple instructions, you will be following the customs of our
community and you can feel comfortable that you are doing things right. Never fear,
if you forget something the assistant to the reader will help you for sure. We hope
to have the blessings out loud on the synagogue web site in the near future. Continue
to check.
Source: David Balint
Oftentimes acts of kindness, hesed, can be repaid. Providing chicken
soup to the sick, having guests for a meal, or taking care of someone's children
are examples of this type of hesed. Attending a levayah, however,
is a pure act of kindness, for the deceased can never return the favor. Thus,
participating in a funeral is a very unique mitzvah.
What does the mitzvah of participating in levayah entail? Rabbi Maimon
graciously shared the following information. He said, "While in the chapel we are
to create an atmosphere of dignity and respect. We enter and wait quietly for the
service to begin. If we must talk, we do so in a whisper. It is best to reserve
socializing and plan making for after the service." It may be helpful to keep in
mind that while we may be happy to see someone whom we haven't seen in a long time,
or have some news to share or plans to make, the mourner is in a state of shock and
bewilderment. The deceased's soul is present and he or she can no longer do the
things we are doing at the moment. In deference to both, the mourner and the
deceased, we conduct ourselves in a reserved manner.
At the conclusion of the eulogy service, we have two mitzvoth to do.
First, it is customary to give tzedakah upon leaving the chapel.
Usually, there is a box or a person holding a basket for this purpose.
Giving tzedakah elevates the soul, because we are giving it in
the deceased's memory. Secondly, we are commanded to accompany the body
(levayat ha met), to the burial site. This is the most important
mitzvah of the moment. The Hebrew word for funeral is levayah
- meaning accompanying the dead. If the burial will be at a location other
than where the eulogies are given, we first accompany the deceased by
walking behind the hearse for a distance of at least six feet, as it makes
its way to the burial site. Then we join the car processional to the cemetery.
At the cemetery, we walk behind the casket as it is taken to the burial
site.
The actual burial process is as follows: as the casket is being carried
to the burial site, prayers are said asking the deceased for forgiveness.
At the site, both men and women participate in shoveling dirt. We are
obligated to bury the deceased in earth. After we shovel some dirt, we
replace the shovel into the mound of remaining dirt. We do not pass the
shovel to another person. At the completion of the burial process, there
is a special memorial prayer for those immediate family members who preceded
the deceased in death. Then we touch the ground and, with our left hand,
pull out some grass and throw it into the grave. This action reminds us
that although we think the grass is gone, in reality it will grow again.
So it is with the person who has died. Although we have lost a loved one,
we believe in tehee-yat ha-metim, Hashem will revive the dead
(see Amidah). At this time the mourners say Kaddish.
Upon leaving the cemetery we wash our hands without wiping them dry.
The funeral has concluded, and the period of mourning, called the shiva,
(sentar en siete in Ladino) has begun. After the service at the
cemetery, we go to the mourner's home or the location where the mourners
will be staying. The keriah, the mourner rending his garment, and
the havra'a mourner's meal takes place.
Source: Luci Varon
What is shiva and what does one do at a shiva visit? Shiva
is the seven day*
mourning period immediately following the burial of a close family member.
During the shiva period, the family (sibling, spouse, parent) sits at
home and is comforted by others. Not until I actually sat Shiva, twice,
did I become familiar with what shiva is about, what is expected of
a visitor, and the effect of shiva on the mourner. Yet I still had
questions and was not comfortable doing this very important mitzvah
myself. Most importantly, I found that I was not alone. After discussions
with Rabbis Maimon, Benzaquen, and Kletenik, I humbly share with you
what I have learned. May we never need to use the following information.
Both at the funeral and at the shiva, we are to support and comfort
the mourner, along with creating an atmosphere of dignity and respect.
To be effective, we need to understand the mourner's state of mind. Rabbi
Benzaquen explained that we learn about the mourner's state of mind through
our forefather Yaakov. When he saw his son Yosef's multi-colored coat
dripping with blood, he thought Yosef was dead. He was so distraught that
he tore his clothes. Thus, mourners tear a garment. As Rabbi Benzaquen
said, "Can you imagine the state of mind of a person who has just buried
their parent, child, or spouse? Suddenly, someone dear has been taken
away. The mourner may feel guilt, despair, extreme loneliness and isolation.
His or her whole world has been turned upside down!"
At the home where the shiva is taking place, the best way to offer comfort
and support is to visit with the mourner. GO OFTEN. The door of the shiva
home will be unlocked so that the mourner does not need to get up to greet
visitors. Knock, and walk right into the mourner's house and let your
presence be known by nodding at the mourner or other gesture. You may
say to the mourner, "I am sorry to hear about your loss," or other words
of sympathy. Rabbi Maimon suggested that whenever you go, and particularly
on the first three days, try to go with another person. This way those
who are present can engage in conversation ABOUT THE DECEASED. Ideally,
through the visitor's conversation, the mourner will be drawn into talking.
Remember that this is not the time for small talk or socializing. All
conversation and attention should be focused on the mourner. Tell the
mourner a personal meaningful experience that you had with the deceased.
If you do not know the deceased you may want to ask others present about
him/her. If you find that you are going alone, and there are no other
visitors, you may want to ask the mourner about a memory he/she has about
the deceased. Stay as long as you can. Do your best not to leave the mourner
alone.
Rabbi Benzaquen stressed the importance of friends keeping the mourner
company. Friends can take away some of the loneliness and can commiserate
with the mourner. This mitzvah of comforting the mourner is so important that
a scholar must stop learning to comfort the bereaved.
Rabbi Benzaquen related the story of Iyov (Job). Iyov loses everything: his
family, his wealth, and even his health. When his friends heard about the
calamities that befell Iyov, they came to him. They sat with him on the ground
for a period of seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, for
they saw that his pain was very great. (Iyov, chapter 1, verses 11-14)
If you are not able to physically do a shiva visit, then call the mourner or
write a note. I find that mourners are often alone during the day. Call during
your work break or lunch time. Write a note and share your sorrow and a memory
of the deceased. A note gives the mourner something tangible to review at a later
time. Also, it is permissible to extend words of sympathy for 30 days following
the burial.
It is customary to bring meals to the mourner. Friends work together
to plan a schedule so that all the mourner's meals are provided. It is
especially useful for one friend to manage this schedule. When bringing
food, stay awhile to keep the mourner company. The Sephardic custom is
to eat the meal that you have prepared with the mourner and to participate
in the special Birkat Hamazon for mourners. If you did not bring
a meal, it is still customary to eat some food in the mourner's home.
Sephardim believe that every beracha (blessing) said elevates
the neshama, (soul) of the deceased. Therefore, we should eat
a variety of foods to be able to say more than one beracha. In an Ashkenazic
home of mourning, food is not served except for the possibility of a light
breakfast as a courtesy to those attending Shaharit (morning
prayer) since they generally go straight to work after the service.
Whether or not services are held in the mourner's home or in the synagogue,
participating in the minyan is another way to comfort and support
the mourner. A minyan is needed to enable the mourner to say Kaddish.
But, don't let your attendance at a minyan be the only visit. Plan another
time to come to sit with the mourner at home as well. Remember that during
a service, with many people in the house, the mourner sees a blur of people
and may not be connecting with individuals.
When leaving a mourner, it is customary to say one of the following
phrases. (Days 1-3 and Shabbat): I am with you in your sorrow.
(Days 4-7) May you be comforted from Heaven. In Hebrew, Tenuhamu
min Hashamayim.
(Days 4-7) May you be comforted among the mourners of tzion
and Yerushalyim. In Hebrew, HaMmakom yenahame etchem
b'toch sh'ar avalei tzion v'Yerushaliyim (Ahkenazic custom).
Our community has a beautiful custom of moving from our regular seats in
the sanctuary to sit in the same area as the mourners as a sign of community
support during their time of mourning.
Through my own experience, I found having company was most important. As much
as I appreciated people coming to help with a minyan or bringing food,
having company was the most supportive and comforting. A mourner's world has
just fallen apart and he/she may feel alone. The shiva period allows
a mourner to reflect and catch one's breath so that the mourner can begin to
address this monumental change in his/her reality. A mourner is most comforted
by knowing that there are other people who genuinely care about him/her and are
there to support the mourner in this life transition.
Foot note: * The word - Shiva
-comes from the Hebrew word, seven. Shiva is generally observed
for seven days. The only time this period is cut short is in the event
the shiva period coincides with a Jewish holiday such as Rosh Hashana,
Yom Kippur, Succot, Shmeni Atzeret, Pesach, or Shavuot.
Source: Luci Varon
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